30 December 2010

It's the most horrible time of the year...

I love Christmas. I *hate* New Year's Blahblahblah. It's stupid, because I love Mondays (and Saturdays) because of the new week, new weekend, newness of it all. But I hate the New Year because of the stupid media pushing me to lose weight. And to make New Years resolutions. Bleh!

Here's the thing about the weight loss industry: It's an industry. The more we fail, the more money they make. It is designed to fail. And guess what? IT FAILS. It's fails like Tucker Carlson trying to play the pulling oneself up by the bootstraps card (Google: Tucker Carlson. Swanson Foods empire). It fails like Stephen Harper pretending that kittens are for petting and not eating. It fails like Sarah Palin's feminism. And the big kick in the teeth about it is the people who love to remind those who fail that they are dupes of hype.

See, it's bad enough (for these festering puswipes) that people are fat. EW! The FATTIES... People will call them gross. Or worse. Because of what? I dunno. But then, when they've tried the diets, tried the exercise and it doesn't work, and they're desperate enough to try Slim Fast or Jenny Craig or whatever, some shithead will start on about how stupid they are for trying, because clearly just "putting down the doughnut"* and "getting off your fat ass"* will work.

Yeah yeah, diet and exercise. I'm sure it works for some people. Not for everyone. I'm sick of hearing it. And now it's New Years Eve (almost), and the ads are out in full force reminding everyone above size 10 that society thinks we're grotesque. And stupid. Because you know, in all the time when I gave a shit about being overweight, it never occurred to me to eat less and exercise! How could that possibly have escaped me? Duh.

Oh, and oddly enough, I'm down 10 lbs. I say oddly enough because the careful reader will remember I fell down the stairs and broke my foot 5 weeks ago and have been able to do absolutely no exercise. Rather, I'm sitting on my ass watching TV and crocheting all day. And somehow I've lost weight. Most of it off that fat ass I'm sitting on. It's bizarre.

So that gives me an idea! "Are you fat? Are you sick of exercising? Try my new weight loss plan! It's like no other you've heard of. The initial phase is a bit of an adjustment, but you'll love the side effects. It's only $49.95 (you supply your own staircase, reclining chair, crutches and wheelchair) per week! Cash upfront. It worked for me! It's sure to work for you!"

*Direct quotes from comment sections on a cbc.ca article about a recalled weight loss drug.


lora96 said...

Cool post.

I'm a size ten (five foot three) and people regularly ask when I am DUE. As in, anyone over 120 lb must be either obese or pregnant and they're generously giving my fat newlywed ass the benefit of the doubt.

Luna said...

lora96: Gah. I used to get that a lot. I was less than impressed. Depending on my mood, my replies would vary from, "I'm not pregnant, but thanks for making me feel fat" to "About the same time as you get a fucking clue" to "Nope, not pregnant, just fat."