13 August 2011

Some days you're the windshield, some days, you're the wiper that has to scrape that shit off

We've had a bit of a rough week. It was the end of Crackle's run of antibiotics, which gave him the runs something fierce, despite probiotics. And next week he has an EEG, so we have him off his taurine, so that we can get a clear test, without that raising his seizure threshold. He's gone somewhat crazy. -er, that is. Crazier. Dude. He's off his nut. Sleep is clearly bullshit, and how could I be so stupid as to not know this? Toilets are for suckers. Floors are perfect for peeing on. Especially carpet, because hey, it makes it all dark and cool and then Mama has to get out the loud vacuum cleaner. AWESOME. And Pop? Oh  poor little guy. I had him out of his diaper, and he peed on the floor. He was so sure I'd be mad at him. Poor baby. "Mom MAD." I'd been so careful about not showing Crackle I was mad at him, I missed being careful that |Pop didn't see. So I said, "No baby, Mama's not mad. You're a good boy. It was an accident. Don't worry. Let's clean it up!" He looked at me and said, "MOM MAD!" *sigh* Must be more careful, I guess.

So, because of Crackle's aforementioned insanity and insomnia, I decided to play him out by taking him hiking in the woods today. So stupid, Luna. So stupid. Guess which one of us is played out and has a throbbing ankle.  I'm a mess. Probably because I'm old. It was my birthday last weekend (Sunday the 7th) and I'm taking this one hard for some reason. Maybe because it hit me that the friends we had over are actually closer in age to Snap than they are to us. That was a kick in the teeth. Anyway, I'm stalling. The hike... Good lord.

We went to the trails at Royal Roads University in Colwood. My darling son bolted on me and I chased him, laughing and joking with him. I was thinking that the run would be good for both of us. Ha. I would be the single worst person to have with you if you were lost in the woods. My sense of direction is inversely proportionate to my sense of smell. I can smell it if MrFCS is getting a canker sore. I can smell if the kids are getting a flu. So, you can imagine how bad my sense of direction is. Yes, I got all turned around and ended up a good hour's walk from my van, with an autistic 5 year old who was, by then, tired. And when he's tired, walking is, well, bullshit. No way. Not going any further. So... I bummed a ride from a very nice lady who happened to have an extra car seat. Seriously. What the chances of that were, I couldn't fathom. The very end of a very small campus, and a woman drives up in a van and has an extra child seat and she's willing to drive us back to the van. Thank you, God.

Mr Crackle was quite enamoured with this new experience. A new vehicle? Awesome. New people? Very cool. So, when she dropped us off, he said, "Bye!" ... to me. He wanted me to leave him with the stranger in the van. When it became clear that wasn't happening, he had a meltdown of EPIC proportions. He cried hysterically all the way home. He was hyperventilating when I got him into the bathtub.

Do you have any idea how heartbreaking that is? My son wanted me to leave him with a stranger. He wanted it so much he cried until he couldn't breathe. I've been in tears ever since.

So, tonight I'm sitting in my room quietly, and my darling husband has the boys out for a walk in the double stroller. I'm going to read a good book (Patrick Rothfuss's The Name of the Wind) and escape for a while. They'll be back soon.