31 October 2011

Happy Halloween

Halloween. I love it and I hate it. I love the little kids dressing up and getting all excited to get candy. I love goofy kids Halloween specials like Twitches and Halloweentown. I adore Ghostbusters. I love silly costumes. I regularly dress up in a cow costume, adorned with wings and a halo. HOLY COW!

But I hate Halloween too. I hate hate hate it from a feminist perspective because a) little girls are being dressed in sexy costumes and sexualizing children is just plain wrong; b) a number of usually feminist writers write about it complaining about "girls looking like sluts" or "being dressed up like whores". I don't even know where to start with that. How about how feminist is it to call any woman a whore? Women who sell sex are sex workers or prostitutes. Denigrating them with the term whore is bad enough, but to use the word as an insult about the way a child is dressed is going way past acceptable.

And while I"m talking about costumes, can we all agree that dressing up as a cultural stereotype is just wrong? I mean, no one with half a brain dresses in blackface, right? So why can I still buy an Indian Princess costume? Or an "Eskimo Cutie" (which is wrong on so many levels). It's racist bullshit, it is.

I hate Halloween from an I'm a wimp perspective too. Horror movies terrify me, and just seeing the freakin' ads on tv scares the crap out of me. I have nightmares from them regularly. And I'm superfast with the mute button.

I cannot stand the destruction that some idiots use Halloween for. We lived in a little town in Saskatchewan where the teenagers used to vandalize the shit out of the place every Halloween. Like bonfires on Main Street. It was crazy. And not limited to that stupid town. People with black cats can't even let them out at this time of year because the assholes out there might hurt the cats!

And finally, I hate that my kids are missing out on all the fun. Between Crackle's utter lack of giving a shit about it to his dislike of costumes to his and Pop's food allergies and Pop's anxiety, there's simply nothing in it for them. And that makes me sad. At least Snap has a party to go to. She's dressing as a hipster. Not a sexy hipster. A hipster.

Tonight, I suspect we'll get 4 kids to the house, which is so disappointing. I loved living in Family Housing at UVic where we'd get about 175 kids. It was awesome. So we're going to be the cool family and hand out full size Caramilk bars. :) I'll bring the dog to the door with me and tell the kids he's my cat, but he's dressed up for Halloween.

20 October 2011

It gets better...

This week, another teenager, Jamie Hubley, committed suicide because he was bullied for being openly gay. In his suicide letter, he said he couldn't wait another three years. I assume he's referring to the time he had left in high school. The time until "it gets better".

I flippin' despise the It Gets Better campaign. I understand the point of it. I really do. But it doesn't address the problems kids are facing now. 3 years seems like forfuckingever when you're 15 and your life is being made nightmarish by a bunch of festering, seething, fetid dungheaps. 3 years is 1/5 of your life at that point. Remember Grade 9? Remember how graduation seemed like an eternity away?

Even the CPC is on the bandwagon. This of course, would be a lot more appropriate if they weren't all a bunch of homophobic bastards who voted against equal marriage rights, or alternatively, gay but too afraid to be open about it. It's an "open secret". *snort* But kids are supposed to believe It Gets Better? Gay cabinet minister that everyone knows is gay, but no one talks about it because why? Because he'd be bullied? Smeared by his base? Come on.

It Gets Better seems pretty much like suck it up, princess. It's not okay, and it's not enough. It's not enough to know that someday it will be better. It's not enough to tell kids that. We need to start actually doing something to stop this bullshit now. GSAs are good, but they aren't enough. We need to teach kids to stand up to bullies when they're young. No tolerance from other kids will be a great deterrent. When one kid out of 40 in a class is being a shithead to another kid, he'd stop damned quick if 38 other kids said, "NO! This is not okay!"

And dammit, bullies need counselling. WTF is going on in their lives that they feel the need to emotionally torture other kids?

I was bullied a lot until about Grade 9. It was hell. I was different. I was weird. And I was a target. They called me fat, mostly. I wasn't, but I didn't believe that for a second, especially not after some stupid doctor told me I was a "chunky little lassie". One particularly mean little weasel would get me against a school wall and play "Dodgeball" with me. That is, he and his friends would hurl balls at my head, as close as they could without hitting me, and the first one to miss (i.e. hit me in the face) lost the game. If I tried to leave, they'd all pelt me with the balls. It was awful. My Mom would go talk to the school and they'd either tell her I was exaggerating, or that they couldn't do anything to stop it. If they talked to him, it was MUCH worse for days.

I did know that I'd escape him the next year, but I tell ya, I dreamed up every excuse I could to avoid school, avoid recess, and avoid the bus. I'd walk to school when it was -30, or make sure I sat with the bus driver. I tried to befriend teachers at recess. I made a point of coming with a new knock-knock joke every day to tell one of them. If I thought I had to put up with that shit for 3 more years?! I don't think I'd have made it either.

That same asshole was last seen at a McDonalds where he threatened to beat up my boyfriend (now my husband). All those years later, and he still saw me as a target. MrFCS got us out of there, and the little prick's friend held him back. Said friend was a co-conspirator when we were younger, but by then, I suspect he knew that his buddy was a sociopathic little shit and that the situation could escalate badly.

That kid needed some serious help when he was 12. And frankly, so did I. Leaving me to fend for myself on the promise that I wouldn't have to deal with him next year wasn't enough. And It Gets Better isn't enough for gay kids. So stop patting yourselves on the back for being so wonderful to the victims of harassment and actually fucking do something.

17 October 2011


A public union employee, a Tea Party guy, and a bank CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the Tea Partier and says, “Watch out for that union guy; he wants your cookie.”

-As seen in a number of places.

13 October 2011

Contemptible Friends

So as I said in a previous post, I really don't like Christy Clark. However, now that I know that one of her trusted advisors is Gwyn Morgan, I absolutely loathe her. Morgan was the President and CEO of EnCana. He's "a director of several large corporations in Canada, including EnCana Corporation and SNC-Lavalin. He is also on the board of trustees of the Fraser Institute, a Director for The Manning Centre for Building Democracy and a non-executive Director of HSBC" (from Wikipedia)

Gwyn Morgan is a shale gas baron who happens to engage in business with BC's public sector to the tune of millions of dollars. Conflict of interest much? Morgan has no use for environmentalists, and appears to support the use of carcinogenic pesticides, because hey, what's a little cancer if it makes Monsanto a few more bucks?
"Those who defend such knee-jerk public policy actions often cite the "precautionary principle." But if believing in junk science means people are to be driven out of business and public landscapes are to be left unprotected from blights and invasive species, and if home gardeners are forbidden from using the latest and best products, what is "precautionary" about that?"
What's precautionary?! Oh, perhaps that "the latest and best products" are carcinogenic and neurodisruptors and there's already an epidemic of cancer and autism?!

And you know what else? I've heard smart meter radiation concerns labelled as "junk science" or "pseudo-science" from BC Hydro. Gee, you think that Smart Meters are profitable? Radiation? Who cares. That's just junk science. My ass. Okay, so Health Canada has said that the radiation is carcinogenic, are they junk science now? As safe as a cellphone, they say. But limit your kids time on those. Now, if it were just my house, out in the country, whatever. But what if a person lives in a huge condo development and the Hydro closet is right next to their unit? Then what? My boys' bedroom is next to the hydro closet here. I REALLY don't want 23 of those things right next to the bedroom. But I have no say. None. It's insane.

And if that isn't enough, Morgan is also a "man who admires the "journalism" of former tobacco lobbyist Ezra Levant" (Though I'd like to see their source for that quote. I  find it hard to believe that anyone could admire anything Levant writes. I mean, anyone who isn't stark raving mad.)

It's strange timing, this post. I was writing it this morning, and then I found DeBeaux0s at Dammit Janet! was on a similar vein. She called it "Yet another installment in the ongoing saga of which moneyed interests are bankrolling, lobbying and cozying up to Stevie Spiteful's Contempt Party." Yup, and again, it looks like the BC Libs are just an ugly little offshoot of it. Disgusting.

11 October 2011

Jealousy and Domestic Enemies

This morning, one of my favourite blogs ran "Domestic Enemies of the Allergy Mom". When I first saw it on FB, I thought "WOO! They finally posted my post!" It was not my post. I'm really entirely too disappointed. Someone else wrote the same one. And they posted hers instead! WAH! Consider, this was their reaction:

Ok. To say that I love this is to miss the fact that I FUCKING LOVE IT SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO LICK IT'S FACE. I adore it. You are a genius and hilarious and an amazing writer.
We'll run it in mid-September and push your blog because you have a gift.

So now clearly they love Portia more (and I will admit, her post ROCKED), so I'm going to post mine here, just as it was going to run there:

I'm Luna, I blog over at Feminist Christian Socialist. It's more of a Mommy blog than I ever intended, but whatever. If readers don't like it, they know where the back button is. I'm a SAHM Mom to 3 very allergic minions: Snap, my 16 year old daughter; Crackle, my 5 year old son; Pop, my two year old son. Between them, they can't eat gluten, dairy, corn, soy, nuts, eggs, high fructose fruits, berries, food colourings, and celery. That's just what they can't eat. Never mind the list of things they won't eat (for fun, Snap won't eat fruit. At all. Ever. Regardless of bribes, threats, or guilt trips). So I cook and bake. Everything. We haven't seen restaurant food in over 5 years. Yes, you are allowed to feel pity. However, this also means we haven't had to eat at McDonalds or Burger King in that time. Bring on the jealousy, baby! Anyway, Allergic Moms have our own set of Domestic Enemies. Enjoy.

The Birthday Party: Now, these are Domestic Enemies of all Moms, near as I can tell. Between the sugar and the "Bobby gots a new transformer and you said that there are no new transformers!" and the goodie bags that were clearly designed by mothers who hate you, these are pitfalls at the best of times. However, to the Mom of the Allergic Kid, birthday parties have their own set of deviously designed traps. Birthday cake? Full of gluten. Out of the question. So my kids take their own, clearly made of sawdust, cupcakes. This leads to two problems: 1) "MOM! It's not fair! I want the disgusting Barbie cake of poison too! Everyone else gets it!" Yeah, but everybody else doesn't get projectile poop and demonic rages. Imagine your kid licking the McDonald's PlayPlace slide and eating pixie sticks. This is gluten to my kids. Only the effects last 5 to 12 days. Seriously. 2) The other kid's mother. The look on her face is clear. You are a TERRIBLE mother. You are going to hell if you don't allow your kid the cake. You are clearly also saying she is the worst mother ever because she allows her kids stuff you don't. Never mind the whole allergy thing. That is entirely in your head.

The In-Laws: Did you know that if no one in their family has allergies, that your kids don't either? It's a scientific fact. At least according to my sister-in-law. Furthermore, it is also proven fact that "a little bit won't hurt". It's true. Just ask my mother-in-law. These people are out to prove that there are no genetic flaws in their family. Their genetics would clearly trump any of yours, because superior genes always win. I think it's something in the sperm that finds the weak mother's genetics and goes all Chuck Norris on it. That the children's father also has allergies is something they simply don't acknowledge or at best say, "Well, he didn't have allergies when he lived with us!" Yes. It's true. You have allergy cooties. Be extra careful of this class of enemies. They will sabotage you in an attempt to prove that you're crazy, stupid, or lying. TIP: Never send the kids to stay with them unless you love cleaning up poop and puke (from the ceilings). TIP: If you must send the kids to stay with them, invite them to stay with you for a few days upon the kids' return.

The Grocery Store: The grocery store, besides being loaded with stuff the kids can't eat, is also full of other pitfalls. I'm utterly convinced that the bakery department is run by Satan's Minions. The little old ladies who act like you've copped a feel or asked them what they did before the Great War if you say no to the lovely little cookie they're offering your child. And of course, this means that there are countless children running around with cookie crumbs on them, making the entire store a minefield. If you happen to have a child who mouths everything, you're hosed. Go home and cook with the dandelions in the yard or something.

The Expert
The Expert is the person you are chatting with who tries to feed your kid a cracker and then gives you a lecture when you explain that they can't eat it. Sometimes, this overlaps with The In-Law. Go find a t-box and some chocolate if this happens.

The Expert loves to tell you why no one can be allergic to whatever they're offering up and that it's good for everyone. It usually starts out fine. "Really? Celery? I've never heard of a celery allergy. Your child is just lying to you. She just doesn't like it." I like to respond with, "Yeah, and the hives she gets on her face and lips are just truly awesome acting. I'm thinking of taking her to Hollywood." That never seems to go well, and deteriorates into, "It must have been something else. Have you tried it since? Sneak it into her food and see if she notices." How about I sneak my size 7.5 Birkenstock up your taco instead?

Schools and the Very Bad Teacher: A subset of The Expert. A good teacher is a gift from God. A bad teacher? Welcome to hell until next summer. The bad teacher is the worst of all Domestic Enemies. She's a know nothing know-it-all. She will sabotage you to prove you wrong. She will doubt your every move. She will make you the bad guy. If you think you've run into this Domestic Enemy, RUN. Get a transfer, homeschool your kid, move to Vancouver, anything. If you're already in Vancouver, I'm sorry. You're screwed. 

The Very Bad Teacher will let your kid play with gluten-filled play-doh and then smugly inform you that they can't ingest gluten through their skin. It says so on the internet. I suggest sending her links to feces fetish sites. You're going to have to deal with poop, after all, why not her? Also, this will do wonders for your reputation with the PTA, and no one will ever again ask you to be the room mother or chip in on the gift for the teacher.

The Very Bad Teacher will hand out Oreos to all the kids except yours, because of course, yours are allergic. She will then say, loudly, "You can't have any! Your Mom said so! No, I don't know why. I think she's just mean or something. Possibly crazy." I recommend signing her up for spam. Reply to the Nigerian scams with, "While I am not in the position to help you at this time, please email Mrs. Ditchpig at the following email address. Do not take no for an answer. She always says no the first 20 or 30 times."

Did I miss any? 

07 October 2011

It's the Patriarchy, Stupid!

I really don't like Christy Clark. Like, I REALLY don't like her. She was the Minister of Education who took the ability to bargain on class sizes away from BC teachers, and as a result, my special needs kid ended up in a class of 38 kids, 9 others of whom were special needs. They had one part time aid. It was a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

She's better than the last guy, no question, I mean, a steaming pile of dung would be better than the last guy, and I suppose she is rather close to that, but she's still a BC Liberal. They're conservative. I don't know why they're holding on to the term Liberal except maybe to trick the uninformed, which is to say, the vast majority. I dunno.

So, of course, I'm a supporter of the NDP party here in BC. I'm even a member. I joined to vote in the leadership election. My guy lost. I still can't believe we elected someone who forged documents to cover up the illegal behaviour of a premier! Seriously people. Can you not envision the attack ads in the next election? The worst part is that it'll all be true. Anyway, never mind the leader, I'm bitching about one David Schreck, former MLA and current political blogger. The guy commented on Clark's cleavage, saying it was inappropriate for her to show that much. That much?! Have you seen the picture? Give me a break. It's not like she was in danger of a nip slip! When the premier comes to the legislature dressed like a stripper, you can comment. Until then, STFU.

As soon as this story got national coverage, The Menz started complaining. But that, I mean, the tiny subset of men who seem to think that they are terribly hard done by as a result of feminism and that women are TOTALLY the ruling gender. They're the ones who start whining, "Men get raped too!" at the first sign of a story about the rape crisis of young women at universities. They're the ones who moan and groan about how the courts fuck them over on custody cases. Anyway, The Menz, they were immediately saying there was no sexism here because Barack Obama was totally called on whether it was appropriate to be photographed topless (at the beach! OMG! His nipples were showing! At the beach!) And Chris Christie is mocked over his weight. And Rob Ford.

First of all, not the same. Schreck said that *any* cleavage, i.e. any failure to completely every square inch of her breasts, is inappropriate. Why? Because it reminds him that a woman is in power? Because her breasts are just so sexy that he can't keep his eyes off them and it's too distracting? (Ugh) Then he points out that men must wear ties in the legislature, so clearly that's completely the same as being required to hide any indication of breasts. Really? Ties? You mean, the great big arrow pointing at their penises? Come. On. Anyway, sure, I'm all for getting rid of the dress code. I wouldn't mind seeing how they dress if they're not told how. I'd totally vote for the guy who showed up in Birkenstocks and a hemp shirt. Or better yet, an "I'm with Stupid -->" t-shirt. That would be AWESOMESAUCE.

The true irony? The men complaining about how they're treated in the courts totally have a point. But it's not feminism that's the problem. It's the patriarchy. The patriarchy hurts everyone. Why? Why would a system designed to protect the power of men take it from them? Simple. Because it also defines gender roles. Women are the caretakers of the children. Men, proper men, don't give a shit about their kids (see: dramas) and are either too irresponsible to look after them (see: sitcoms) or are too cold and unloving to properly raise children (see: movies and books everywhere). Of course, this is bullshit. Epic bullshit. There are some really great Dads out there. Mine was. My husband is. And there are some really shitty Moms out there. But the patriarchy defines the roles, and anyone who steps outside of them is suspect. Men who dare to be feminine are in danger of assault. Men who want to be recognised as equal parents have a major uphill battle.

And do women use it? OF COURSE. We're not stupid. When the system works in our favour, which is remarkably seldomly, we take it. What? Are we supposed to be better than men? Hell no. That's the point. Just like there are men who buck the system, there are women who uphold it.

03 October 2011

UPDATED: Media Bias, Part I lost count

Can we all stop calling the New York Times "liberal" now?

I remember in Sociology 100 having an assignment in which we were to take an article from any news source that was considered mainstream and dissect it for loaded language, bias, slant, logical fallacies, etc. It was a very eye-opening assignment. I chose Macleans, thinking it was pretty balanced. Hey, I was 18! I was clueless. I was stunned to see the bias, the loaded language, the choice of pictures... the list goes on. I think it was the most useful thing I did in University! I learned to read for intent as well as content. (My stupid degrees certainly haven't been useful. Honestly, wtf was I thinking? I'll go live on reserves and save languages, write dictionaries and curricula! And I'll make a living wage, because reserves have so much money to pay pretty white linguists with more ideals than sense!)

It's become quite clear to me in recent years that there is no left-wing mainstream media. The CBC certainly isn't. The right loves to crow about it, but that's only because the right is so used to having the news handed to them, already twisted into right-wing ideology that they're jarred by anything resembling unbiased fact. And the CBC really only does resemble lack of bias, because objectivity is more or less impossible. Someday when I have some ambition, I'll take apart a cbc.ca article.

The Times, as referenced above, is what we call Limosine Liberal. It's got a socially liberal agenda, but a fairly conservative economic agenda. Now, I don't mean it's a rag of the NYPost's calibre, or that it has a raging right-wing agenda. Just that it is healthily right of centre. Of course, those that live on the right fringe see that as raving left-wing, but those people are hardly in any position to be correct about anything. :) And the further you slide to one side of the spectrum, the further away the centre looks. 

I kind of like Political Compass for sanity checks. Like when I'm screaming that Obama is a right-wing bastard who caters to Big Business, and someone else hollers back at me that he's a socialist prick, we go look at politicalcompass.org. They use their own questions, and the answers that pols have provided on public record. It's not perfect, but it's good.

Here's Canada, as of the 2011 election:

And here's the US, 2008 election. I'm hoping for an updated one soon. 

Not surprising, I'm on the left edge, well, one line in. And slightly lower than halfway between libertarian and centre.

Obama? Right of centre. Truly. It's just that mainstream in N.America has become so far left, that he seems pretty moderate. And if you think I'm wrong, remember this: Ronald Reagan, the demi-god of the conservative movement, wanted to close crazy tax loopholes that let millionaires out of paying taxes, and gave amnesty to about 4 million illegal immigrants. He'd be eviscerated by the tea party assholes and most of the rest of the Rethuglicans too.

When you're screaming SOCIALIST! at someone who is proposing Ronald Fucking Reagan's proposals, you need a reality check. And perhaps a high five. To the throat.

02 October 2011

40 days of Harassment

A bunch of old white jerks are using God's name to harrass women outside health clinics. Even here in my own city. It sickens me.

Dear Christians who Don't Get It,

If the lot of you actually believed abortion was murder, I'd have a hell of a lot more respect for you. But you don't. You believe in punishing the sluts, and/or controlling women. How do I know this? Because you don't respect life at all. Once the kid is born, you don't support them at all. You refuse to back anti-poverty bills, you try to shut down welfare programs, you accuse women of "spewing out kids to get more welfare", you don't support birth control programs that would actually reduce the number of abortions. That's not life-affirming. Furthermore, you refuse to admit the truth, that women will get abortions regardless of the laws. They'll just do them unsafely. And as a result, they'll die. That's more death. That's not pro-life at all.

Now, I do understand that there are a few of you out there who are just following the leader and truly believe that fetuses are fully human, and deserve the same rights as any other human. Okay, I get ya. I really do. I'd like the abortion rate to go down to zero too. I like babies. I like humans (usually). I like life. I really am pro-life. I don't want anyone to die as a result of abortions. No babies, no women. That'd be awesome. I'd also like no poverty, no war, no disease, and a National Bring Me Chocolate Day. It's not going to happen. So instead, shall we work really hard to prevent abortions by a) preventing unwanted pregnancies, b) supporting pregnant women financially, c) supporting new parents financially, d) making adoption easier and more socially acceptable.

And if you really believe that fetuses should be accorded the same rights as everyone else, why do you actually fight for them to have more rights than their parents? No other group of humans has the right to use the body of their mother (or anyone else) to stay alive. I can't say, "Oh, I need a kidney, Mom. Hand it over! If you don't, I'll die, and that's murder!" 'Fraid not. Mom has the right to tell me to sod off.

And I understand the need to pray when you see grave injustices. But you know what? There are these lovely places called churches where you can sit in private and pray without it hurting anyone. And if you don't think that your little vigils aren't hurting anyone, you're clearly ignorant assholes. You're not praying for these women. You're praying at them. And that's NOT cool. Also, from the Bible you claim to follow:
(5)”And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. (6)But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. (7)And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. (8)Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. – Matthew 6.5-8 NASB
 So please, be good Christians and go home. Or go sit in a church and quietly pray. What you're doing is harmful and sinful. You are being the people that Jesus warned of:
15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.
That's you. You're mean, you're vindictive, and you're spreading hate in God's name. That's a ferocious wolf in sheep's clothing if I ever saw it.


It's been a big few weeks around here and there's so much going on in the outside world too, I hardly know where to start.

The big news is in the world of Crackle and Pop. Okay, actually, it's in the world of their Mom, me. Pop told me he loves me for the very first time. Without my prompting. We were playing games on the bed and I was kissing his cheeks and he said, "Love Mom!" Hello Hope. I've missed you. So when I was playing with Crackle, I said, while tickling him, "I love you! Do you love Mom?" He made eye contact, grinned at me and threw an arm around my neck and pulled me close. Dude. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. He's 5 and a half.

The teenager still hates me. :D Of course, that's because I'm a total bitch, I'm ruining her life, and I'm too stupid to live. Did you know, that despite having a Master's degree, I have no idea how to do Gr11 homework? It's true, if you listen to Snap.

OMG. I just looked over at Pop. He's attempting to change his own diaper. You think he's ready for the potty? LOL

Last weekend I went to a Healing Pathway workshop sponsored by my church. Basically, it's energy healing via faith. I jokingly called it Reiki for Christians and was excoriated by the Christian Reiki Master who was taking the course. Hah. Everyone understood what I meant. I've always been a bit of a skeptic (my definitition of skeptic: nothing is impossible, but I'd like to see some evidence), but damn. And let me tell you, it's amazing how much better Crackle sleeps when I do some work on him after he falls asleep. And that's not practitioner bias. He sleeps through the night on nights I do it, and doesn't on nights when I fall asleep before I get a chance. Every night for the last 8 nights.

Our favourite Behaviour Interventionist moved to Vancouver. That sucks. We're going to miss her a lot. There's one other whom I also consider a favourite, but the rest, meh. For various reasons.

My back has been out since Wednesday, and just today I'm starting to feel human again. Unfortunately, it seems that when I get glutened, I'm physically fucked up, but when MrFCS is glutened, he's psychologically fucked up. It BLOWS. I'm in agony, and he's so grumpy, it scares me. (Not that he's ever hurt me or the kids, but someone has hurt me and now I get scared at explosive anger. I can't help it.)

And then there's the outside world... gah. Must avoid. Hurts my soul too much. Will use next post.