30 March 2012

Autism Epidemic

The CDC's newest report on the prevalence of autism is out. And it's alarming. 1/88 kids. 1/54 boys. 1/254 girls. I'm not going to do a big post on this, because Caffeinated Autism Mom wrote something rather awesome, and I would just duplicate that. Except it would be clumsy and full of profanity.

Go read it. I'll wait.

Good. See what I mean? Awesome. Here's the comment I wrote - in case you don't read the comments. And why wouldn't you?

Perfect. This is exactly right, and you are awesome. I'm not even going to bother writing a post, I'm just redirecting people here. :)
It's 100% at my house too. 3 for 3. And it probably is genetic in our case - it's prevalent on my side, and scattered and undiagnosed on my husband's side.
That being said, in the complex I live in, accross the street from a goddamn golf course and its pesticides from hell, 100% of the families with kids have some sort of issue. There are 12 kids. And to the best of my knowledge, 3 of them are healthy. Of the other 9, there's autism, tourette syndrome, tumours, and more autism. Three quarters. It's also interesting to note that two of the three healthy ones moved in AFTER they were born. i.e. Mom didn't breathe in all the toxins while pregnant.
It's truly sad. And I don't care what the "neurodiversity" people say.

Yeah, I'll probably get some flak on that last comment, but I mean it when I say I don't care. If autism were just a different way of looking at things, a different way of processing, I might be on board. But there is so much more to it. There's a host of physical problems that go along with it. Gut dysbiosis is exceedingly common, faulty detoxification pathways, faulty metabolic processing, mitochondrial disorders, seizures, incredibly painful and annoying sensory processing issues, etc. It goes on and on.

What we know is that genetics predispose people toward autism. And increased toxic loads tip them over the edge. That is pretty much undisputed. (There are wingnuts in every group, and the autism community isn't immune, so that's why the qualifier "pretty much"). Vaccines with mercury, vaccines with aluminum, pesticides, herbicides, air pollution from industry and cars, they all contribute.

Note that I didn't say vaccines cause autism. I think they tip people over into autistic from genetically predisposed. They set it off, so to speak. If your body doesn't detox mercury very well, and you get a shot full of it, at the same time as a vaccine that is designed to stimulate your immune system, some serious damage can occur. IF you have a detox problem. Or an immune system problem. So it appears from a parent's perspective that their healthy little kid got a shot, and then got sick. Cause and effect. Because they'd never see the underlying problems until they got the shots.

But I'll tell you another reason that autism parents (some of us) don't believe the studies showing that vaccines don't cause autism. Because no one listens to us when we tell them our stories. My kids aren't included in the vaccine damage stats. Because, although my doctor believes me, the public health authority does not. Crackle's regression was "coincidental" according to them. Crackle appeared healthy. He was meeting milestones. He was happy. Yes, he had some issues, and I have no doubt he'd have had problems, without the vaccines. However, he never recovered from being sick after the 4 month shot. Never. The day of the vaccine, he was happy and smiley. I took him in, had the shots jammed into his legs, and that was it. He got a fever, he got listless, he got tired and weak. He got sound sensitive that day. Before that day, the dog's barking never bothered him. After that day, he'd cry if I blew my nose. You cannot convince me that's coincidence. You cannot convince me that the vaccine didn't contribute to his autism. But that is what they say. And that is why those of us with vaccine-damaged kids look at those studies and wonder what the real numbers are. We're not too stupid to understand statistics; we're smart enough to know that conclusions based on faulty premises are invalid. Not necessarily false, but invalid.

We are inundating our bodies, children and adults, with toxins. Pesticides, plasticizers, toxic chemicals in body products. Is it any wonder that our bodies can't keep up? Is it any wonder that the rate of autism continues to skyrocket? We're not treating it like other epidemics. We continue to allow Monsanto to sell Roundup and to tell people it's safe. We continue to eat food sprayed with toxins. We continue to put beauty products full of endocrine disruptors onto our bodies. And then we ignore parents when they tell us their kids are being damaged by the increasing load of vaccines we put in their bodies.

This is an epidemic. What is going to happen to these kids when they grow up? Who is going to look after them? Think about it. 2% of men with autism. Many of them unable to live unassisted. All of them needing some sort of accommodation (most of these are so easy to do, and most people won't do them. That's going to have to change).

Autism parents are screaming. Because we see what's happening. And no one is listening.

28 March 2012

Hate crimes

Racism is a tricky bastard. It really is. It's reared its ugly head again recently with the death of Trayvon Martin. His death was at the hand of the gun of a man who was scared of him simply for being a black kid in a hoodie. It's awful. And of course, because of Florida gun laws being what they are, the killer hasn't been charged.

I've seen a few people calling for this to be a hate crime. I don't think so. Not this time. Why? He didn't kill him to get rid of another black kid or because he hated black people. He didn't go looking to kill a "coon" (as he can be heard calling the boy on the tape). What happened is that fear kicked in. The man was so afraid of black youths that he thought his life was in danger. The racism was so ingrained that it didn't matter a bit that the boy was unarmed. Zimmerman thought he was dangerous. Because of his colour. That's not a hate crime in the traditional sense. That's a crime of ignorance, of fear, of abject stupidity. Don't get me wrong. This man needs to spend some time in prison, a lot of time, where I'm sure he'll find that fear of black men ramped up, but it was not a hate crime as we normally think of them.

Imagine this guy. He's a security guard in a gated community. Gotta keep the riffraff out, right? He's on high alert at all times. He's grown up with racist parents, in a seriously racist neighbourhood. He's learned that black people are scary. They're criminals. He knows this because he watches Fox News and his buddies say so. And the crime demographics! Look at them! Black people are incarcerated at a way higher rate than white people, so they MUST be criminals. Right? (No, of course, we know that's bullshit. Because we're smarter than this asshole.) He's seen Cops. He knows. And then, OMG, there's a black guy in his neighbourhood! A youth! The worst kind. And he's wearing a hoodie. WHOOBOY! This is what all of his training was for. He calls 911. Tells the kid to stop. OMG the kid isn't stopping! And he's black so obviously in this guy's mind he's up to no good. This is a white neighbourhood. And so the guy shoots. That's what he's been trained to do when he's in danger. And he thinks he is.

And it's a crying shame. A sickening crime. A travesty and a tragedy. But it's not a hate crime.

20 March 2012

Can we please, just this once, learn from the past?

Sex education is forbidden. Birth control outlawed. Abortion criminalized. Miscarriages investigated. Women forced to have unnecessary medical procedures. Abortion rates are 60% of all pregnancies. All illegal. Thousands and thousands of women die. Thousands and thousands of babies end up in underfunded orphanages. Underweight, unhealthy babies suffer. Maternal death rate skyrockets.
-- Ceausecu's Romania

But anti-abortion is TOTALLY pro-life.

Gadgets and geekery

I've always been a bit of a geek. Okay, a lot of a geek. In Grade 6, we had a geeky teacher who taught us some VERY simple computer programming. I loved it. I mean, I begged for extra assignments, kinda thing. It was BASIC on the Apple IIc, Apple IIe, and SuperPet. I was in love.

I remember daydreaming of "the future" and all the gadgets we'd have. A computer in the living room that one could use to access all sorts of information. A telephone without a cord. A fridge that would scan the barcodes that the grocery store used, that could then connect to the computer in the living room and order more milk. Video phones. Cars that didn't need gasoline. Tiny robots that could travel around the body diagnosing illnesses. Teleporters (I especially dreamed of these on the long walk to school on cold days in Regina.) Faster than light travel. (Again, it was cold.) TVs as big as the wall, with more than 100 channels. TVs you could fit in your pocket.

And now, here we are, impossibly far in the future of my 8 year old self. And we have lots of those things. And I love it. And I'm still waiting for my teleporter.

I wish I had unlimited access to gadgets, but I'm pretty frugal (read: I'm cheap as borscht, and all my money goes to shit for the kids). But I do have some toys. My favourites:

1) My BlackBerry Bold 9700. I love this thing. Got it for free from my brother who was downgrading to an iPhone. Yeah, he called it "upgrading", but he's wrong about a lot of things. :) I like being able to type with my thumbs, not having to click to another screen for punctuation (no wonder txt speech is getting worse lately), and a lot of other things. My husband has an iPhone (on the cheap from a chump who was buying the new one), and we swapped for two weeks. By the end of the first week, I wanted my BlackBerry back. However, I don't really play games on my phone. When I had the iPhone, I did find that nice.

2) BlackBerry Playbook. This one is a family toy. Pop loves it and can navigate it well. It's smaller than the iPad, which I like. But it doesn't have the apps (not its fault!). It also doesn't sync well with the smartphone. I can't figure out why there isn't a sync function when BB Bridge is on. And I don't love the speaker on it either. But I do like the interface considerably better than the iPad. And it feels sturdier. Pop has dropped it a few times with no ill-effects.

3) iPad. The Autism Funding Unit is paying for this one. (If they ever get around to it.) We bought this for Crackle, because it has an app called Proloquo 2Go which is supposedly the best thing on the planet for helping non-verbal kids communicate, and said app is not available on the Playbook. So far, Crackle hasn't figured out "tap", so it's not working for him at all. But I keep working on it with him. I like the responsiveness of the iPad better than the Playbook, and the number of available apps, especially free ones, is really impressive. But it's too big for my small hands, and I hate the multi-tasking function with the 4 fingers swipe. It never ever works for me, so I have to click the button twice. Oh, and that's another nice thing about the Playbook for Crackle. No button to distract him. He's in love with buttons, and won't concentrate on the app because he wants to press the button.

4) Primus VoIP. I love it. It's a gazillion times cheaper than those ratbastards at Telus. And I don't have to deal with those ratbastards at Telus. $29/mo, including unlimited long distance in Canada and the continental US. It's got a web interface that logs calls (so I can make a printout and show the trolls at the Autism Funding Unit that no, they did not actually call me and leave a message). The only drawback is that if there's no power, there's no phone. However, see point 1.

5) Google video chat. Works. Skype? Does not. I can't open it on my desktop. It opens and then dies of an inexplicable disease... okay, fatal error. But whatever. I can't be bothered any more. It's a piece of crap and Google video chat has better video quality, equal sound quality, and WORKS!

I'm not being paid for any of these endorsements. However, should RIM feel the desire to send me some swag, I'd not turn it down. :D

14 March 2012

Dear Jon letter

Oh Jon Stewart, I'm sorry. Our love affair is over. Oh, I know it was one-sided, and you couldn't see my long distance lust for you in all your geeky, goofy gloriousness. But it's over. Oh, I'll still watch and enjoy, and maybe someday you'll win me back, but as of last night, we're done.

Why last night? I know, you're hanging on by a thread wondering what you could have done to lose my until-that-point undying love. Here's what you did: You made a joke at the expense of the mentally handicapped. You and Will Ferrell were going on about helmets, because of some comment made by a Fox News talking head about people hiding under their comedian helmets or something. And you said, "... if anyone ever needed a helmet..."

Oh Jon. How could you? How could you call Fox News "retarded" like that? I know, I know, you didn't use the r-word. But you insinuated it in exactly the same way. You said that they need a helmet, implying that they were mentally challenged. It's the same as saying "retard" or "mongoloid" or "rides the short bus" or any of these other terms.

You know, Jon, I've never once met someone with Down Syndrome or severe epilepsy, or autism, or any other condition requiring a helmet who was as ignorant or mean as a Fox News host. I've met some who are adults and spend the vast majority of their time watching Thomas the Tank Engine, and talking about it when they aren't watching it. They aren't mean. They aren't assholes. They do have low IQs. And they are in danger of hurting themselves when they have seizures or meltdowns. And that's it. And I'd spend all my time with them before I'd consider spending a second with a Fox News shithead. Because they're good people (the ones I know. I'm not enough of an ignorant ass to go on about how nice all "those people" are.)

"Need a helmet", "rides the short bus", and "retard" are offensive. They don't mean "ignorant" or "unacceptable". Don't use them to mean this. Don't use them when you don't agree with someone. Or when someone is deliberately obtuse. Or when they're clueless about something. Just don't use these terms as insults. Ever. You know when you can say someone needs a helmet? When they need a helmet. When they'll literally give themselves a concussion from banging their head. You know when you can say someone rides the short bus? When they ride the short bus. And you know when you can call someone a retard? Never. Never ever.

Do you call men "bitches"? Yes, men. Because that is the same. It's a derogatory word for woman, which isn't a bad thing to be, if I do say so myself, used with another group as an insult. And when you say, "But I'd never call a woman that!" it's the same as saying, "But I'd never call a developmentally disabled person that!" Or how about "gay" or "fag"? Or how, since I'm talking to you in particular, Jon, does it make you feel if you hear someone say, "You're such a Jew" when they're insulting someone (a gentile, likely) for being frugal? It's mean, it's rude, it's bigoted. Maybe you're okay with it. But I'm willing to bet you know it's offensive in general.

So Jon, it's over. I know you're heartbroken, but I just can't love someone who could be so insensitive. Apologise and I'll probably forgive you, but I know you won't.

09 March 2012

God's Grace

A conversation between me and a friend:

Me: My house is a mess. I have to clean it up before the lady who cleans my house comes over tomorrow.
Her: Isn't that her job?
Me: Well sure, but in the state it's in, it'll take her a long time. I'd rather get some of it done so she doesn't have so much to do.
Her: Ooookay. So you don't want to pay extra?
Me: No, no. She wouldn't charge extra. She'll just stay longer and then not let me pay her. And anyway, I was raised by my mother, and she'd be horrified if anyone saw the house like this.
Her: Hello?
Me: Okay, well you don't count, obviously.
Her: Right, of course not. So what are you going to do? Vacuum up the dirt and crumbs?
Me: Hell no. She'll vacuum regardless of whether it's done or not. She'll decide it's dirty and do it.
Her: Don't you tell her what to clean?
Me: hahaha. Clearly you don't understand the relationship this lady and I have. She comes to my house on Friday for 2 paid hours. She cleans whatever she wants to, however she wants to, which is to say, FAR better than I ever would. She stays as long as she likes and does as much or as little as she wants. She fixes my knitting while she's here, because I still haven't figured out how to pick up dropped stitches, she tells me about her kids, her grandkids, and her great-grandkids...
Her: Wait. How old is she?
Me: 78.
Her: OMG.
Me: I know. I wish I had that kind of energy. Anyway, she goes on about them, and then about how wonderful I am. Maybe tells me about how evil yoga is.
Her: *laughs*
Me: No, she's serious. Evil. Like her friend's soul went straight to hell. And evil priests knew she was Christian and hated her.
Her: Ummm....
Me: Yeah, I know. But whatever. So anyway, she comes over, cleans the house, talks, jokes, plays with the kids, and then, usually 4 or 5 hours later, utterly refuses to take a single extra penny. AND, what's more, she babysits when I have emergencies - like the MRI that was sprung on me -  and has informed me that it is insulting to be offered money for that, because she's doing God's work and she doesn't think I should argue with God.
Her: This woman is Awesome.
Me: I know. And what's hilarious? Her name is Grace. As in, "God's Grace"? A certain Someone appears to have a sense of humour.
Her: Yeah, no doubt!
Me: Pop calls her "Great". He's right.

Grace truly is a gift from God. I love her. Sure, she's a bit wacky, and we most certainly do not agree on a lot of scripture interpretations, but she's the single kindest person I've ever met. And she's not in a position to turn down money, which is why I keep trying to pay her. But I'm going to have to stop, because she's getting offended. But it's really hard to take anything from someone with so little. She's so generous, and it seems to truly give her joy to help, so I'm trying. But eesh.

08 March 2012


1) Got a call from the NDP national office looking for money (as I donate monthly, I'm a good target for special fundraisers). Because I'm raising money myself for my trip *points to widget on the right* (and by the way, OMG, you people ROCK. Thank you a million times over. I am going to take so many pictures for you.) I told the nice man that no, I couldn't give any extra, but that I'd promote it on my blog. So here I am. Anyway, they're raising money for the Toronto-Danforth election, because of course, the Cons are playing dirty. So if you're so inclined, drop them a few bucks so we can hold on to Jack's seat. And yes, that will always be Jack's seat. So hush. (And I didn't even like the guy much, so hush even more.)

2) It's International Women's Day. A fairly important one, I'd say, given the recent attempts (and successes) at making women less than people under the law, especially in the US. Feminism is still necessary. We're getting there in some countries, but we're not equal in almost any of them. And rape culture still flourishes.

3) It's also World Kidney Day. Go fill out your donor card if you haven't already. My Mom needs a kidney. I'm not kidding.

4) This Kony thing. Do some research please. In fact, go read what Wil Wheaton posted. Also, a comedian I like (Erica Sigurdson) posted this to Facebook:

This is from my friend Arthur Simeon in response to KONY - Arthur is from Uganda -
Please stop. I was gonna ignore this till it went away but it's a little too much. A sentimental video has people all wrapped up in huff. Kony is a coward who hasn't been operational in Uganda in 8 years. He deserves to be brought to justice but this was something we told the world 15 years ago, now some American shoots some fancy videos and VOILA, now you care? Invisible Children wants to take credit for something UGANDANS did. Kony didn't retreat into the mountains because an American with a camera came through. This a complex situation that no simplistic video and no amount of postering is gonna help. That video is a self-serving manipulative and condescending piece of work with an imperialistic tone that enrages me. People are dying in Syria as I write this. Where's the fuckin rage? Where's the international pressure?

5) A fellow blogger is doing a seriously cool project. She's collecting pictures of kids with autism and making a video about what autism looks like. Because as parents, we're pretty sick of "But he doesn't look autistic". Her answer, which I am TOTALLY ripping off, is "That's because he's not motherfucking Rain Man!" So, if you have kids with autism, or you have autism, send her some pics. She's truly awesome, so you don't need to worry (this is me vouching for Aunt Becky). But if you are, you could always send them from an anonymous account. No names are necessary, or even wanted.

6) I gave notice to our Autism service provider that we'd be going another direction with the boys. MAN that was hard, because I really liked the people we were working with. It just wasn't working for us. So as of April, we are on our own. If you're in Victoria and area and know someone interested in working for us, drop them my email address. For the Autism stuff, I'm using sonrisemama@yahoo.ca No experience necessary, just looking for someone who is happy, healthy, energetic, patient, and loves kids.

So, my Crackle has been quiet for enough time for me to write this, so I suspect he's in trouble, peed on the floor, or is happily doing a puzzle in his room. Hard to say. Love ya, Comrades.

05 March 2012

Sex/Gender socialization

This morning, Pop had an educational evaluation, an ongoing thing with him. Several things stood out to me: the examiner didn't give him enough time to look at everything before answering, for; in some cases, there were several correct answers, but only one was acceptable. But what really struck me is that he was expected to look at three pictures and identify in which one there was a girl on the stairs. The difference between the boys and the girls was interesting. The girls always had long hair, always wore pink, usually wore dresses, and often had a bow in their hair. No bloody wonder he thinks Snap is a boy. Short hair, dark clothes.

This is a test given to a three-year-old. They seriously expect preschoolers to have learned gender stereotypes by now. And no wonder given how they're fed to the kids. Toys are so gender specific it's ridiculous. I momentarily felt bad taking my boys out of the Barbie aisle. Until I remembered that I used to take Snap out of it too, and didn't let her have any of those blasted things until she got one at a birthday party.

And TV... oh my. Bubble Guppies is on my screen right now, and the girl guppie (who is a mermaid with a bikini top on) has pink hair. Long of course. The mermen have short hair (blue or orange) and don't wear tops. And in most of the shows aimed to preschoolers, the main character is a boy.

This is Treehouse's lineup from 8-5.. I've bolded the shows that don't have a male main character and italicized the ones that are geared to girls, or have a single female main character (i.e. bold, but not italics are gender neutral) Asterisks denote shows with no female characters, or only one peripheral - like a Mom :

08:00 AM Caillou
08:25 AM  This is Emily Yeung
08:30 AM  Rolie Polie Olie
09:00 AM  Guess With Jess
09:15 AM  Bob the Builder
09:30 AM  Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs *
09:45 AM  Thomas & Friends *
10:00 AM  Cat in the Hat
10:30 AM  Toopy & Binoo *
11:00 AM  Max & Ruby
11:30 AM  Rolie Polie Olie
12:00 PM  3rd & Bird
12:10 PM  WotWots, The
12:20 PM  Noddy in Toyland
12:30 PM  Toopy & Binoo *
01:00 PM  Caillou
01:30 PM  Cat in the Hat
02:00 PM  Angelina Ballerina: The Next Steps
02:15 PM  Olivia
02:30 PM  Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs *
02:45 PM  Thomas & Friends * (exception, episodes about Emily who is bossy and likes to tell everyone what to do)
03:00 PM  Play With Me Sesame
03:30 PM  Yo Gabba Gabba
04:00 PM  Wiggles, The
04:30 PM  Chuggington
04:45 PM  Fireman Sam *
05:00 PM  Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs * (maybe one of the dinos is a girl. Not sure.)

I almost starred Caillou and Rolie Polie Olie because they have a Mom and little sister only. On Max and Ruby, Max always outsmarts Ruby.

Of the 4 shows with female characters, one is a ballerina, one is a 5 minute show (which is a rip-off of This is Daniel Cook), I don't know what Guess with Jess is offhand (PBS has SuperWhy! on at that time, and he loves Super Why!  - another male main character, two females, and one of them is a princess). Olivia is a pretty cool show about a family of pigs. Olivia is a decent female character.

And then, to top it all off, of the truly gender neutral shows, Yo Gabba Gabba and The Wiggles and The Wot Wots are so unbearable to most parents it's utterly painful to have them on. Most parents also hate Caillou, though I don't mind him. He's whiny, oh yes, he's whiny, and his parents are so perfect it's truly annoying. But hell, I figure if he's that whiny with those parents? It's no wonder mine are like they are. :)

I'll do PBS's and CBC's morning lineup another day.

(First person to tell me to shut off the damn tv gets one or more autistic kids dumped into their living room for a few days. Glutened. While you have a headache.)

03 March 2012

Happy Birthday Pop!

My darling baby, my littlest man, is 3 years old today. His response to people telling him "Happy Birthday" is an age appropriate, "NO!"

He's an amazing little kid. He loves Thomas the Tank Engine, In the Night Garden (which is like Teletubbies on mushrooms, and yes, I'm aware that Teletubbies was already pretty much someone's opium dream), pretty much anything on Treehouse. He likes Spiderman, but is utterly terrified of Care Bears (NO! NO Caer Beaw. Tun ot T! (translation: No, no Care Bears. Turn off the TV). He's also afraid of bugs. So much so that he made me take him out of the tub because he was pretty sure that the black fuzz in the tub (which was sock lint from his toes) was bugs. Took quite some time to get him back in there. He's an ace on the trampoline, "BUM DWOP!" and with the BlackBerry Playbook, "Pwaybook? Pwee." He can navigate his way around on the Playbook and iPad so well, it still amazes me. He's talking up a storm and just started using pronouns this week. Favorite? "MINE". He loves to play "chate", which is his word for "chase". He subs a d or t for s, f, z and v, or just drops the sound entirely. He knows all the letters and numbers and can count to about 13. He knows a lot after that, but mixes up the order. He's pretty happy, and best of all, is when I ask him, "Do you want to _______?" if the answer is yes, he says, "*GASP* YEAH!" like I've just come up with the best idea EVER. Another thing I love: When his recording on the TV ends, he looks at the TV and says, "What heck?" And when he looks outside and it's raining, he says, "Oh crap! WAIN!"

This morning, we gave him a little present. It's a Thomas the Tank Engine game with the alphabet. He played about 2 minutes and then said, "Anudda pwet?" LOL. I said, "Not now, but more later!" "Okay!" Then I made pancakes for lunch and took him and Crackle to the playground until he tired out. Then we stopped to get ice cream (soy, of course) and some potato chips, and came home. He ate his ice cream (Wait for cake? Hell no!) and then zonked out. He's sleeping now. Later, more presents, cake, and hopefully something for supper he likes. He's a pretty picky eater.

Happy Birthday Baby. I love you.

02 March 2012

After the fact smear campaign? I think not.

So Herr Harper is claiming that the robocalls accusations are an after the fact smear campaign by sore losers. But this was an issue on election day.

This Twitter status warns people of a number calling people telling them that their polling station has changed.

That same day, I tweeted this:

Here's a screen cap of the link, as of today.
 What's interesting is that now there is no mention of Guelph at that link. There certainly was when I posted it, because where else would I have gotten Guelph from? It's not like I randomly pulled that out of my ass on election day. I'm good, but I'm not that good.

One of the radio stations here in Victoria also warned of robocalls, and I'm pretty sure it was mentioned on ChekNews that night. Our radio and news covers Elizabeth May's riding (Saanich Gulf Islands) and it was definitely one of the ridings where calls were made.

So Dear Leader, don't give me any of this crap about it being sore losers. We were complaining before we knew you'