14 June 2017

Here there be spoilers

Fair warning - Wonder Woman spoilers ahead.

I went to see Wonder Woman last night with my daughter (her third viewing) and a friend of mine. My daughter, Snap, loved it. Celine, enjoyed it, but had issues. Me, ... unpopular opinion time! I was disappointed.

As soon as I got into the car, I said to Tony, "I'd forgotten why I don't go to DC movies. They're all violence and killing and Serious Issues (tm) and they take themselves entirely too seriously. It's a comic book for fuck's sake. Why isn't it fun?" And yes, I know, I'm asking something of a movie that it wasn't intended to be. It's like not liking the pizza because it's not a burger. But here we are.

I didn't hate it. I loved that the women decided they didn't need men for pleasure (hilarious!) and that no woman in the whole movie ever waited for a man to rescue her (omg! That alone was worth the price of admission.) I loved the strength of Diana, and how the men accepted her after only a little demonstration. I got a kick out of Steve (why's it always Steve?) trying to control her, and her utter refusal to defer to him. I was very pleased that it wasn't one of those things where the silly woman goes ahead against the man's wishes, only to find out why that was wrong. I mean, yes, SPOILER, she was wrong about killing Ares ending war on earth, and Steve was right, but it wasn't the kind of error where the man had to fix her fuck up after the fact.

In short, the feminism was amazing. Sign me up for more of that.

Now, is amazing perfect? Nah. Wonder Woman is fighting Ares, doing her best, but getting her ass kicked. What gives her the push to help her win? Her boyfriend dies. (Aside: Thanks DC. You fucked the timeline entirely. He was her boyfriend for decades in the comics! WTF?) I swear, I half expected her to yell "NOBODY KILLS MY BOYFRIEND!" while killing everyone in sight. Instead, she just killed everyone in sight. Because love.

Oh, and did she seriously have to fuck the very first man she ever laid eyes on? The very first man? Why?!

Those things aside, as they weren't dealbreakers for me by any stretch, I just found the story boring. I told the story to Tony when I got home. It took a minute or two. There was no subplot, no nuance, no adventure really. It was
Diana grows up with the Amazons. Trains against her mother's wishes. Defies her mother. Leaves with the man to save the world. Goes to London. Buys some clothes. Lectures some politicians. Goes off to stop the chemist and German general she thinks is Ares - against the wishes of high command. Steve finds a few merc friends to go with them. They're a mismatched bunch, but kinda fun. They break through the front line by one village and save it in a lengthy fight scene. They spend the night in the village, sex is implied. Then they go to a party where the evil chemist and general are. Diana steals the dress off the back of another woman (no idea what she did with the woman) and sneaks in. At the gala, the general shoots off his chemical weapon and destroys the village they saved. Diana kills the general, and then is baffled when the war isn't over. Decides not to fight for humanity (which they keep calling "mankind"). Steve gives a speech about love, and then goes off on a suicide mission to explode the plane carrying more of the chemical weapon. She figures out that the general wasn't Ares, the British guy (Steve's CO) is. She fights him until she's almost lost. Then she sees the plane blow up, goes berserk and kills them all.
That's it. That's the entire story. I missed details, of course, but no plot points. Boring. And entirely too serious for comics. Wonder Woman wasn't a gritty graphic novel. It was a kids' comic book. Why must we forget that? And don't even get me started on Batjerk.

edit to add: The words "Wonder Woman" are never once uttered in the movie. This kind of shit is just so annoying.