Life got weird for me a few months ago. On a whim, I went and listened to a wooooooo type energy healer guy. I wanted to see what they were about, get a funny blog out of it, and what the hell, it was cheap and I'm a bored housewife, that's what we do (joking! I'm a homemaker, not a housewife). I'm more or less convinced he's just the best therapist ever, and it can be passed off as magic. :D Anyway, I got lots out of it and started just listening to myself. And all sorts of shit started happening. The most obvious thing is that I've dropped about 20lbs. It's kind of cool. Seriously weird though.
Okay... I'm going to ramble rather honestly. Be forewarned.
I grew up in a house where fat was BAD. Where the sentence, "She's so wonderful. Too bad she's so fat" would happen. And I wasn't thin. I wasn't obese, but I wasn't thin. It was scary. What if I got fat? Would they still love me? (duh, yes!) Would I still be beautiful? Would I get a boyfriend? A husband? Would men still admire me? (this mattered terribly to me! I took all catcalls as a sign that I was still desirable.) So naturally, I got fat. It started with birth control. Then quitting smoking. Then having babies. After my first baby, I was up to about 210lbs. Then I hovered around 198lbs (size 18 or 20 on me) for years. Eventually that came down and I was at 175 lbs when I got pregnant with Crackle. Then Pop came three years later. And I was about 185 for another 6 years. Since April, I've dropped 22 lbs.
And here's the thing, I changed *nothing* except I sorta pay more attention to when I'm hungry. It's kinda weird. Doctor says I'm fine. But I think he's just pleased I'm in the "healthy weight" category. Of course, that's pretty much bullshit, but whatever. I feel good, so I'm not worried.
What is the most weird is the utterly odd relationship I have with my body. I still think of myself as FAT, obese, overweight, gross, flabby, icky... I went in to get new jeans, and when the shopgirl said, "Hmm, about a size 12?" I laughed and said, "More like 16". She raised her eyebrows and said, "I don't think so." She got me a 12 and they slipped on. And I did a happy dance. And then my inner feminist slapped me upside the head.
I'm a feminist, dammit. And I've internalized all the fatphobic bullshit. Terribly. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking at other women and judging them for it. I was looking at them and pitying them for the way society treats them, and that sucks too.
And what else is weird? Other than this weird "my impression of my body doesn't fit with reality" feeling? People keep complimenting me on it. And getting really fucking mad at me when I say I just stopped exercising and dieting and decided to eat whatever the fuck I want, but really really paying attention to not eating if I'm not hungry. Like, they're happy for me if they think I deserved to lose weight, but furious if it happened for no reason. Jealousy? Or just angry that I didn't deserve it? I dunno.
The "stopped exercising" part? What's that about? Basically, I decided I hate it. It doesn't feel good when I'm doing it. It doesn't feel good after. I don't get a high. I don't get any tangible benefit (though there may be some I don't see) so I decided fuck this shit, I'm not doing it any more. I might hike a bit when it cools down, but only because I love sitting on the top of hills or mountains and meditating. Or singing. Which gets a wee bit embarrassing when I get caught, but only for a second. No one ever fails to grin. And that's fun.
I'm a little scared to gain it all back. Mostly, I don't care. But every once and awhile, I get a panicky feeling. And it correlates with the praise. Whenever someone praises me, I get a jolt of "OMG! They thought I was gross before! What if I gain it all back, as so many do?!" It's bizarre!
We're going to Saskatchewan to visit family in a few weeks. My Mom will definitely comment on "how good I'm doing". Mom... God, she tries. :)
My sisters-in-law will be terribly jealous, ugly jealous. And I must say, the latter at least gives me such joy. These were the women who would make comments about how much weight people were gaining, "She looks like the goodyear blimp!" and I'd say, "Uh, she's smaller than I am" (i.e. SHUT UP!) and they'd look at me, tilt their head to the side and say, "Oh, Luna..." (well, okay, they'd use my real name) in the most pitying damn voice. And now both of them outweigh me by a good 30lbs, and I'm gleeful. It's mean, and I'm definitely going to work on that before I go out there!