06 February 2014

Every What Not To Do post ever

You know those "What not to say in X situation" posts that pop up here and there?

Every What Not To Do post
Everything you're saying is wrong. You're trying, we get that. But you've been offending people mightily, and they won't tell you. So I will, because I can speak for all people in Situation X.
1) Don't say totally inappropriate bullshit. "Is your kid a retard?" is probably going to be taken as an insult.
2) Don't say totally innocuous things either. "Oh, your child has autism. So does my brother. Mom tried a gluten-free diet with him and it seemed to help". You. Fucking. Monster. How the fuck dare you try to tell me what's worked for someone you love?!
3) Don't say something no one who is not under the influence of some serious drugs (or should be) has ever said. "Doctors? Pfft. What do they know? Take him to an exorcist. It's demons, I tells ya. Demons"
4) Don't say the two or three things everyone always says because they have no idea what else to say. "Oh, autism. I'm sorry to hear it." Really?! You're sorry my kid will have a lot more challenges than the average kid? You. Fucking. Monster. I love cleaning his shit off the walls. How dare you insinuate there's anything to be sorry about?!
5) Do NOT invoke God. Saying something that you've been taught from birth is comforting makes you a fucking monster.
In summary, thanks for trying, we appreciate the effort, you fucking monster. It's cute that you think you're a good person. Please do not ignore us, but never say anything on this list.

Every What Not To Do Comment section

So what do I say?!
- helpful ally

     If you can't speak without offending someone, you should remove yourself from the human race.
     - TrollMom

     Shut up, TrollMom. I'm in Situation X, and even I don't know what to say sometimes

Waaaa waaaa waaaa. All this bitching. It's not so bad. Shut up, put the internet away, and go play with your kid. (You fucking monster)

Well, if you don't want anyone to ask about Situation X, stay home.

     But I need groceries! How am I supposed to get groceries?!
     -Captain Obvious

          Order online
          -Mr. Helpful

          Seriously?! You just want us invisible so we don't offend your precious sensibilities. Stop being a douchebag. And also, I live in a place where there's no grocery delivery. So what now, Mr. Helpful?!

I still don't know what to say.
-helpful ally

     Try "Hi"

           If you're going to be like that, it's no wonder people are rude to you and your retarded kid. I tried!

                 I don't have kids.

                        Why are you even here?

What do you mean, don't invoke God? Jesus is the Healer of All. I will pray for you, that you come to see the glory of our LORD Jesus Christ. I'm so offended that you would dare to oppress me like this.

      Fuck you, FundieMom. You're too stupid to live. Go play with your invisible friend in the sky and leave the rest of us alone. You fucking monster.

             Enjoy Hell, you fucking monster.

            Come on, Atheist, you're being an asshole. Please be respectful of others beliefs.

                  HeadBangingOnDesk: Your name is offensive to autistic people who stim by banging their heads. You fucking monster.

      FundieMom, you're giving the rest of us a bad name. Please be considerate.

            Why should I?! I've got the right to be publicly religious! I've got the right to talk about Jesus whenever and wherever I like. How dare the OP tell me I shouldn't?!

                     Because you're calling yourself Christian, and compassion is a big part of Christianity?

                          Not at my church. It says in the Bible that the only way to Heaven is through Jesus, and if you don't have Jesus, you're going to burn in hell, and your kid is probably retarded because of gay people. If you pray hard enough, Jesus will heal your retarded son.

                                 He's not retarded. You're missing the point. And that's an offensive word.

                                       I didn't mean it offensively. It's a clinical term, and I was using it that way.

                                      You were using it clinically when you were explaining that it's caused by sin? Okay...

                                            Exactly. I'll await your apology.

And then I drink a bottle of wine.